Infertility Timeline

May 2013: Husband and I decide it's time to really try and have a baby. Have a few strange periods in September 2013.

May 2014, Husband does one of those at home kits to check his sperm count. It doesn't register anything. Next step, urology appointment to get sperm tested and make appointment with fertility clinic.

Clinic says we can't do IUI bc of husband's counts. Need to do IVF. Also I have a polyp that needs to be removed. (explains the weird cycles).

June 2014: Polyp removal and hysteroscopy and HSG. All goes well, polyp benign.

July 2014: 1st IVF. 14 eggs retrieved, 12 mature, 5 fertilized. Only 2 left by day 3. Transfer 2. Negative beta 11 days later. Back to drawing board.

August 2014-December 2014: Take time off of IF to get healthy, get mind right, (start seeing a therapist) and ramp up for another IVF cycle. Can't start until January 2015 because we won't have the money until then.

Feb 2015-June 2015: Start and stop a lot of different protocols. One cancelled cycle

July 2015: Finally, baseline looks good. Start directly with stims, no Birth Control Pill lead in. Cycle looked good. Got 16 eggs, 12 mature, 4 out of 6 fertilized with donor sperm, 4 out of 6 fertilized with husband's sperm On day 3 we had 2 from donor left, and 1 from husband  We pushed to day 5 and husband's embryo died on day 3, and donor sperm had 2 embryos on day 5, one severely compacted and another with vacules. Nothing to freeze/transfer on day 6.

August 2015-December 2015: Grieve, lose weight, get healthy. Know we need to do donor egg now if we ever want to grow our family. Visit with 2 new clinics. Looking for a guarantee program. Look at two, settle on the one locally. Love our new doctor.

November 2015: Got approved for the guaranteed program with new clinic. Had all testing completed, mock transfer and mock eep, had therapist sign off on donor egg program.

December 2015: Selected donor! Now we wait for further instructions! Hoping 2016 is our year!

IVF#2 Process and Outcome and other news

Ended up with 16 eggs, 12 mature. 4 out of 6 fertilized with donor sperm. 4 out of  6 fertilized with DH sperm. By day 3 we had  2 from donor and 1 from DH. Decided to push to day 5. My DH embryo died on day 3 at 5 cells. Donor sperm became a blastocyst wth vacules and another one was compacted. No day 5 transfer, and nothing to freeze on day 6.

Back. To. The. Drawing. Board.

DONOR EGG CYCLES.

This time we're not dicking around. I want to go with a clinic that does a guarantee program. Guarantee=live birth or refund.

My clinic doesn't offer these discounts. I love my current clinic. I just wish they offered a guarantee.

We're exploring Shady Grove's Shared Risk program. 1:3 which means 1 donor, 3 recipients. Up to 6 tried or money back 100%.

Also taking a hard look at RBA of Atlanta. 5 Frozen egg cycles or about 50% refund. Would spend about 3k each cycle if it didn't work. Figure 28k investment 15k if we did all 5 cycles.

I like the idea of the frozen eggs. No coordination of syncing 4 women's cycles. No possibility of cancellation as the eggs are already ready for purchase.

Everything is so up in the air now. My DH doesn't want to talk about it incessantly, but it's on my mind all the time. I've scheduled a couples visit with my therapist for Wednesday.

I've agreed to laying off the topic for 3 weeks but realize that this next step takes time to coordinate and so we shouldn't delay too much. So I'm making appointments, and filling out paperwork and not talking about it with my dh, which is hard.

I recently sent a message to another blogger, my first.

I mentioned how hard it was going to the grocery store,seeing women and men my age with their kids. It's hard to be there. I have to get there early to avoid them. I know that now.

Another piece of info: My good friend is pregnant with her #2.  She struggled for 3 year, 3 or 4 IUI's before becoming pregnant, naturally with her now 1yo boy.

Her husband called mine, we were on speaker phone. I knew why they were calling. I was already crying before they told us the news. Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy for them. They deserve it. It just reminds me of our own infertility.

Almost a year ago my other friend told us they were expecting #2. I was able to hold it together until after the call. The idea of havng my own genetic child not yet determined . And I love our friends dearly.

I think this call was harder to hear as I'm setting up new clinic appointments and figuring out next steps and mourning the loss of a genetic child. I know from my readings that in the end, it will not matter but right now it hurts...to my core.

After our call, I took a look at our last texts. On July 14th, I told her that it didn't work out for us. She was already 11 or 12 weeks pregnant. They waited another 10 days before calling as a coupe to tell us the news. Had we gone to their sons dedication in their church, we would have found out then.
Unfortunately, we were finding out that nothing made it to freeze and we were left with nothing.

I'm pissed that she couldn't tell me, woman to woman, but then again, I've never been on the side where I'm pregnant and I have to share my news with my infertile friend.
Buck fuck it, no matter how much it sucks for me, I would face things head on, and share the news because that's how I would want to be treated. But I'm not in her shoes.
And I guess that's what make me, me. I don't shy from confrontation.

I suppose I can imagine how hard that must be for them to tell us. They want to get together soon.
I'm not ready for that. Your 1+ year old and your adorable growing belly. no thanks. I'm sure these are my feelings as a result of our most recent loss, and I'll be able to turn it around soon. I just hope my therapist can help us through it. I'm concerned I'm getting depressed. My therapist is anti-drugs. But I'm wondering if a little zo.loft is in order.

Ok, that's all for now. Be well.

Update: Tried Several Different Protocols

I've been pretty bad at updating. Here is where we are today:
We spent the winter months losing weight and getting our heads straight. 
We went away in February and we had our consult shortly after we returned to start a new cycle.

• Tried Estrogen Priming, didn't respond to estrogen, didn't start cycle
• Tried Micro-dose Lupron Flare protocol, low follicle count, didn't start cycle
• Tried BCP priming, and antagonist protocol, 11 follicles to 4, cycle cancelled
• Monitored June's cycle and went straight into stimulation

We're working with 9 or 10 follicles. I had a hard time starting a new cycle. Doc thinks I may have reserve issues. But my  FSH is 4.2 (normal) but I'm not a straightforward case because I didn't respond well to stimulation last time (was also on BCP's last time)

We know that BCP's don't work for me. The cycle before this one, I started with 11 follicles, then dropped to 4 after two weeks of being on BCP's.

So here we are. 

I'm maxed at 450 IU of Bravelle, and 150 of menopur. Today was day 4 of stims. Estrogen was over 200 which is great and progesterone and lh were normal. They saw some movement which is better than this time last year. I go back on Tuesday 

June 30th. I'm hoping I'll get a print out of my follicle sizes. I'm hopeful but tempering my expectations knowing this is our last shot at becoming pregnant with my own eggs.

Here we go again!

Getting ready for a fresh round of IVF. This will be round 2 for us. Since we didn't have anything left last time to freeze we have to start over from scratch. 

After we met with the doctor, he suggested another round. Now before you think, yeah, of course he did... I have to tell you that he reviewed our case with the other 6 physicians in the practice and they do not always recommend a new course for couples like us. But we were a real head-scratcher.

My tests didn't say I would be someone that would stimulate for 13 days, but I was.
We never thought we would have a negative beta, but we did. 
Certainly never thought we would do this all again, but we are. 

Things we're doing differently:
New protocol: Estrogen Priming Protocol
Lost 28 pounds since August (gained 6 just from the first IVF)
Started taking CoQ10, DHEA, and continuing with Prenatal vitamin
Started regular acupuncture
Weekly therapy sessions
and biggest change for this cycle: using donor sperm(ds).

The last change is one of the main reasons why this will remain an anonymous blog.

At the follow-up with the doctor, he said this next cycle will tell us if it's an egg issue or a sperm issue. 

So after we met with the doctor my husband and I went to grab a bite to eat. While we were waiting on our food, we were digesting the meeting. 

He tells me that this next cycle we can use ds. He was giving it some thought and we tried it the first time, using just our genetics and weren't successful so this time, we would do everything, and that includes ds. We would do whatever we could to build our family.

When we met with the psychologist (highly recommended for those considering using donor sperm) we were working through selecting a donor, and then what would we do if things worked out where we had a child that was not genetically his. 

We had to consider protecting our child. There would come a day when we would have to tell him/her about their biological history. Until that day arrives, we would keep everything to ourselves and to a very few select people we've shared this information with. 

So that's pretty much where we've been. 

When we selected the donor, knowing we could only afford one more round of IVF, our doctor chose us to choose the cheapest vial from a donor site, because they wash the sample anyway and we're using ICSI with the donor sperm. 

We used fairfax. We ended up buying a subscription package so we could see as much about the donors as possible. Funny enough, the donor we chose is the first one we looked at together. We probably didn't have to buy a 3 month unlimited package, but it gave us peace of mind, and we were happy about that. 

Once we made the selection and bought the vial, we pretty much stopped thinking about it. 
We know that we will be using ds, and it's a real possibility that those will be the embryos that survive, it's not real because they haven't been transferred.

Posting my 'schedule' in other post. Bless us all.

1st IVF Cycle - The Outcome

I wasn't able to hold-off and not test. Husband was out of town and left to my own devices, of course I tested! The day before my beta, the home test was negative. The morning of my beta, it was also negative.
I went to the clinic for the blood draw and left still feeling a tad hopeful. My husband got home early that morning so we were together on the couch, waiting for the call.
It was Negative.
I was able to hold it together while on the call, and then hubby and I had a nice long, sobbing, stuffy-nosed cry. I had my husband call and text those who we had shared this process with to let them know. I think calling his mom was the hardest call to make.
The rest of the day we just hung out and didn't do much. I made dinner that night, chicken and dumplings, my comfort food.
I was at work the next day, focusing on work. Somehow, this major thing in our life just happened, and I'm able to function at work.
On Monday morning August 18th, the doctor called. He wants to sit down with us face-to-face and review our case. We're scheduled to see him this Thursday August 28th. I also made an appointment to see a psychologist. My first session is tomorrow, Tuesday, August 26th.
As for how the rest of my week went post negative news: I had a breakdown on Tuesday the 19th. My period started and I had to go to the store to get supplies. While at the store, I ran into no less than 3 pregnant women. That was a rough day.
On Wednesday August 20th, I woke up at about 4am with severe abdominal cramping, and the immediate urge to go to the bathroom. I had the chills and a low grade fever. I made it into work and dealt with the cramping and avoided the bathroom because I didn't eat anything all day. For added fun, had a splitting headache.
Ended up working from home for part of the day on Thursday, and again, didn't eat anything on Friday for fear of upsetting the tummy while at work.
By Sunday the 24th, I was marginally better. I still had the headaches though.
I've read online that estrogen withdrawal can cause headaches. I'll find out this Thursday if my stomach issues were directly tied to coming off of all medicines.
I'll post again after our discussion with our doctor. We will also be going over next steps.
I feel like seeing a psychologist is very important for my mental health. I need some tools to help weather this infertility storm. We're obviously devastated and need to work through all of these feelings.
Stay tuned...

From Trigger Shot to Retrieval to Transfer: Our Unexpected Adventure

Friday August 1^st: Follicles are finally looking like they should. I’ve been on stimulation medications since Sunday July 20^th, that’s 13 days of stimulation medication. Thought I would only be needing 8-10 days of medicine.  Four (self-pay) prescription refills later and here we are, Trigger day!

The clinic calls me to let me know to administer the trigger shot @ 6:30 PM exactly. A little air bubble here, a  little “ I think I can get more out of it, let me try again” there, and wham, bam, shot given at 6:33 PM.

Saturday August 2^nd: Bloodwork at clinic to make sure I gave myself the shot, and fess up and tell them about my time flub. Turns out a few minutes off is no big deal.  Blood work results confirmed I’m not an idiot and we’re set for Sunday 6:30 AM retrieval.  I’m told to arrive 30 minutes before procedure.  We relax Saturday night and watch a movie. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight.

Sunday August 3^rd: Retrieval! Traffic was a breeze seeing as we were on the road at 5:35 am on a Sunday. Hubby made his deposit at home since we live so close to the clinic. Less stress for him that way.
I had to pay separately for the anesthesia and I wished I could pay based on service received. I’m not new to anesthesia but this is the first time that the anesthesiologist made me bleed from the iv b/c some plastic cap wasn’t screwed on, and then didn’t use any lidocaine to prevent the anesthesia from burning as it entered my arm. I wanted to call her a devil woman, but I was too busy putting on a tough face and then I was out.  At least she didn’t mess that up.

Coming out of anesthesia was easy and I felt just a little tired. Probably because I woke up that morning at 4:45am. As for nerves, I wasn’t nervous at all until I walked into the doctors office. This was just one step in our journey to baby.

The report came in, and they got 14 eggs. Waa Hoo!

Went home and rested the entire day. Felt some cramping but Tylenol and a heating pad helped. Started taking the antibiotic doxycycline, a steroid, and tomorrow I start the progesterone gel suppository. Fun!

Monday August 4^th: Work from home. Pain not too bad in the morning. Clinic called and said of the 14 that were retrieved, 12 were mature, and they used ICSI on all of them, and 5 have fertilized. Not what I was hoping but we’re not out yet! We have 5 beautiful embryos.

Monday evening: pain seems to be worse tonight.  I’m a little sweaty and I have abdominal pain. I think it’s probably constipation and so I take some medicine, apply a heating pad and go lay down. Back to work the next day.

Tueday August 5^th: Wake up feeling much better. Clinic calls in the morning. 5 still hanging on, but one not looking so good. Has 30% fragmentation.  What's fragmentation? Think of it like a cookie, that's got a lot of crumbs. Not good in embryo world. But under 25% and it might still be ok. We’re still looking at 5 day transfer she says. I have (3) two cell embryos and one of those  has the 30% fragmentation, (1) three cell embryo with 20% fragmentation, and (1) four cell embryo.

Wednesday August 6^th: Clinic calls in the morning. Overnight we lost the three cell and 2 of the two cells. Have a nice looking 8 cell and a 4 cell with fragmentation remaining. My doctor wants to move up my transfer from day 5 to day 3 and transfer 2. This whole time we were thinking we would make it to day 5 and here we are, on day three being asked to transfer 2. This was never in our game plan. Would we be ok with twins? We have nothing left to freeze and so we would have to do this all over again anyway if it worked with one and so this way we would get our little miracles in one cycle. Hopefully.

So I have to call out of work and start chugging some water for the transfer. They want us in there @ 1030am for an 11am transfer.

No medicine is given for the transfer. After changing into the appropriate attire, and my husband in a one-size-fits-all except for him gown, we meet with the surgical nurse, the embryologist, and the doctor before going back for the procedure. I get a picture of the embryos. The 8 cell looks textbook perfect, and the four cell has some catching up and some fragmentation (15-20%)

As we’re in the procedure room waiting on the transfer, our little 4 cell became a 6 cell and was looking better. It’s over before just as soon as it began, and I have to lay on the table for 10 minutes. With a full bladder. So I’m laying on the table, crying because I know that the embryos are now inside of me, and having to pee so bad. My husband finds this adorable somehow.

As we’re leaving the clinic's parking lot, he says, you know, I really hope it’s twins, so we can forever tease them about who was the embryo slacker. I love my husband.

We get home, and it’s 2 days of bed rest for this girl.

I’m officially in the Two Week Wait and PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise).  It’s not really two weeks, it’s actually only 11 days. Beta test is Sunday August 17th.  I’m not looking for pregnancy symptoms because I’ve been pumped full of all kinds of drugs. In addition to the progesterone, I’m also taking estrogen tablets.

I've been listening to some women who have done this a few times and I'm going to take their advice. I’m going to enjoy this time, and speak to my belly, “grow babies grow!” and know that I’m the furthest I’ve ever been in our years of trying to get pregnant.

Have a great weekend!

 

Medication Update

Worried that meds will hurt? Menopur burns a touch, but then you get used to it. Ganirelex/Cetrotide you can definitely feel for the first few days, made my skin blotchy as well. And then you get used to it. On my last night of Cetrotide, it didn’t burn or get blotchy. I think my belly was so full of meds it didn’t matter!

As for the HCG shot, that was the only one that I got even the slightest bruise from, and was sensitive the next day.

Great tip from my nurse: Since the HCG shot is timed, get the darn thing ready 15 minutes before you need it. Unlike the menopur, it takes about 5 minutes for the solution to dissolve the powder.