IVF#2 Process and Outcome and other news

Ended up with 16 eggs, 12 mature. 4 out of 6 fertilized with donor sperm. 4 out of  6 fertilized with DH sperm. By day 3 we had  2 from donor and 1 from DH. Decided to push to day 5. My DH embryo died on day 3 at 5 cells. Donor sperm became a blastocyst wth vacules and another one was compacted. No day 5 transfer, and nothing to freeze on day 6.

Back. To. The. Drawing. Board.

DONOR EGG CYCLES.

This time we're not dicking around. I want to go with a clinic that does a guarantee program. Guarantee=live birth or refund.

My clinic doesn't offer these discounts. I love my current clinic. I just wish they offered a guarantee.

We're exploring Shady Grove's Shared Risk program. 1:3 which means 1 donor, 3 recipients. Up to 6 tried or money back 100%.

Also taking a hard look at RBA of Atlanta. 5 Frozen egg cycles or about 50% refund. Would spend about 3k each cycle if it didn't work. Figure 28k investment 15k if we did all 5 cycles.

I like the idea of the frozen eggs. No coordination of syncing 4 women's cycles. No possibility of cancellation as the eggs are already ready for purchase.

Everything is so up in the air now. My DH doesn't want to talk about it incessantly, but it's on my mind all the time. I've scheduled a couples visit with my therapist for Wednesday.

I've agreed to laying off the topic for 3 weeks but realize that this next step takes time to coordinate and so we shouldn't delay too much. So I'm making appointments, and filling out paperwork and not talking about it with my dh, which is hard.

I recently sent a message to another blogger, my first.

I mentioned how hard it was going to the grocery store,seeing women and men my age with their kids. It's hard to be there. I have to get there early to avoid them. I know that now.

Another piece of info: My good friend is pregnant with her #2.  She struggled for 3 year, 3 or 4 IUI's before becoming pregnant, naturally with her now 1yo boy.

Her husband called mine, we were on speaker phone. I knew why they were calling. I was already crying before they told us the news. Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy for them. They deserve it. It just reminds me of our own infertility.

Almost a year ago my other friend told us they were expecting #2. I was able to hold it together until after the call. The idea of havng my own genetic child not yet determined . And I love our friends dearly.

I think this call was harder to hear as I'm setting up new clinic appointments and figuring out next steps and mourning the loss of a genetic child. I know from my readings that in the end, it will not matter but right now it hurts...to my core.

After our call, I took a look at our last texts. On July 14th, I told her that it didn't work out for us. She was already 11 or 12 weeks pregnant. They waited another 10 days before calling as a coupe to tell us the news. Had we gone to their sons dedication in their church, we would have found out then.
Unfortunately, we were finding out that nothing made it to freeze and we were left with nothing.

I'm pissed that she couldn't tell me, woman to woman, but then again, I've never been on the side where I'm pregnant and I have to share my news with my infertile friend.
Buck fuck it, no matter how much it sucks for me, I would face things head on, and share the news because that's how I would want to be treated. But I'm not in her shoes.
And I guess that's what make me, me. I don't shy from confrontation.

I suppose I can imagine how hard that must be for them to tell us. They want to get together soon.
I'm not ready for that. Your 1+ year old and your adorable growing belly. no thanks. I'm sure these are my feelings as a result of our most recent loss, and I'll be able to turn it around soon. I just hope my therapist can help us through it. I'm concerned I'm getting depressed. My therapist is anti-drugs. But I'm wondering if a little zo.loft is in order.

Ok, that's all for now. Be well.

Update: Tried Several Different Protocols

I've been pretty bad at updating. Here is where we are today:
We spent the winter months losing weight and getting our heads straight. 
We went away in February and we had our consult shortly after we returned to start a new cycle.

• Tried Estrogen Priming, didn't respond to estrogen, didn't start cycle
• Tried Micro-dose Lupron Flare protocol, low follicle count, didn't start cycle
• Tried BCP priming, and antagonist protocol, 11 follicles to 4, cycle cancelled
• Monitored June's cycle and went straight into stimulation

We're working with 9 or 10 follicles. I had a hard time starting a new cycle. Doc thinks I may have reserve issues. But my  FSH is 4.2 (normal) but I'm not a straightforward case because I didn't respond well to stimulation last time (was also on BCP's last time)

We know that BCP's don't work for me. The cycle before this one, I started with 11 follicles, then dropped to 4 after two weeks of being on BCP's.

So here we are. 

I'm maxed at 450 IU of Bravelle, and 150 of menopur. Today was day 4 of stims. Estrogen was over 200 which is great and progesterone and lh were normal. They saw some movement which is better than this time last year. I go back on Tuesday 

June 30th. I'm hoping I'll get a print out of my follicle sizes. I'm hopeful but tempering my expectations knowing this is our last shot at becoming pregnant with my own eggs.

Here we go again!

Getting ready for a fresh round of IVF. This will be round 2 for us. Since we didn't have anything left last time to freeze we have to start over from scratch. 

After we met with the doctor, he suggested another round. Now before you think, yeah, of course he did... I have to tell you that he reviewed our case with the other 6 physicians in the practice and they do not always recommend a new course for couples like us. But we were a real head-scratcher.

My tests didn't say I would be someone that would stimulate for 13 days, but I was.
We never thought we would have a negative beta, but we did. 
Certainly never thought we would do this all again, but we are. 

Things we're doing differently:
New protocol: Estrogen Priming Protocol
Lost 28 pounds since August (gained 6 just from the first IVF)
Started taking CoQ10, DHEA, and continuing with Prenatal vitamin
Started regular acupuncture
Weekly therapy sessions
and biggest change for this cycle: using donor sperm(ds).

The last change is one of the main reasons why this will remain an anonymous blog.

At the follow-up with the doctor, he said this next cycle will tell us if it's an egg issue or a sperm issue. 

So after we met with the doctor my husband and I went to grab a bite to eat. While we were waiting on our food, we were digesting the meeting. 

He tells me that this next cycle we can use ds. He was giving it some thought and we tried it the first time, using just our genetics and weren't successful so this time, we would do everything, and that includes ds. We would do whatever we could to build our family.

When we met with the psychologist (highly recommended for those considering using donor sperm) we were working through selecting a donor, and then what would we do if things worked out where we had a child that was not genetically his. 

We had to consider protecting our child. There would come a day when we would have to tell him/her about their biological history. Until that day arrives, we would keep everything to ourselves and to a very few select people we've shared this information with. 

So that's pretty much where we've been. 

When we selected the donor, knowing we could only afford one more round of IVF, our doctor chose us to choose the cheapest vial from a donor site, because they wash the sample anyway and we're using ICSI with the donor sperm. 

We used fairfax. We ended up buying a subscription package so we could see as much about the donors as possible. Funny enough, the donor we chose is the first one we looked at together. We probably didn't have to buy a 3 month unlimited package, but it gave us peace of mind, and we were happy about that. 

Once we made the selection and bought the vial, we pretty much stopped thinking about it. 
We know that we will be using ds, and it's a real possibility that those will be the embryos that survive, it's not real because they haven't been transferred.

Posting my 'schedule' in other post. Bless us all.