Ended up with 16 eggs, 12 mature. 4 out of 6 fertilized with donor sperm. 4 out of 6 fertilized with DH sperm. By day 3 we had 2 from donor and 1 from DH. Decided to push to day 5. My DH embryo died on day 3 at 5 cells. Donor sperm became a blastocyst wth vacules and another one was compacted. No day 5 transfer, and nothing to freeze on day 6.
Back. To. The. Drawing. Board.
DONOR EGG CYCLES.
This time we're not dicking around. I want to go with a clinic that does a guarantee program. Guarantee=live birth or refund.
My clinic doesn't offer these discounts. I love my current clinic. I just wish they offered a guarantee.
We're exploring Shady Grove's Shared Risk program. 1:3 which means 1 donor, 3 recipients. Up to 6 tried or money back 100%.
Also taking a hard look at RBA of Atlanta. 5 Frozen egg cycles or about 50% refund. Would spend about 3k each cycle if it didn't work. Figure 28k investment 15k if we did all 5 cycles.
I like the idea of the frozen eggs. No coordination of syncing 4 women's cycles. No possibility of cancellation as the eggs are already ready for purchase.
Everything is so up in the air now. My DH doesn't want to talk about it incessantly, but it's on my mind all the time. I've scheduled a couples visit with my therapist for Wednesday.
I've agreed to laying off the topic for 3 weeks but realize that this next step takes time to coordinate and so we shouldn't delay too much. So I'm making appointments, and filling out paperwork and not talking about it with my dh, which is hard.
I recently sent a message to another blogger, my first.
I mentioned how hard it was going to the grocery store,seeing women and men my age with their kids. It's hard to be there. I have to get there early to avoid them. I know that now.
Another piece of info: My good friend is pregnant with her #2. She struggled for 3 year, 3 or 4 IUI's before becoming pregnant, naturally with her now 1yo boy.
Her husband called mine, we were on speaker phone. I knew why they were calling. I was already crying before they told us the news. Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy for them. They deserve it. It just reminds me of our own infertility.
Almost a year ago my other friend told us they were expecting #2. I was able to hold it together until after the call. The idea of havng my own genetic child not yet determined . And I love our friends dearly.
I think this call was harder to hear as I'm setting up new clinic appointments and figuring out next steps and mourning the loss of a genetic child. I know from my readings that in the end, it will not matter but right now it hurts...to my core.
After our call, I took a look at our last texts. On July 14th, I told her that it didn't work out for us. She was already 11 or 12 weeks pregnant. They waited another 10 days before calling as a coupe to tell us the news. Had we gone to their sons dedication in their church, we would have found out then.
Unfortunately, we were finding out that nothing made it to freeze and we were left with nothing.
I'm pissed that she couldn't tell me, woman to woman, but then again, I've never been on the side where I'm pregnant and I have to share my news with my infertile friend.
Buck fuck it, no matter how much it sucks for me, I would face things head on, and share the news because that's how I would want to be treated. But I'm not in her shoes.
And I guess that's what make me, me. I don't shy from confrontation.
I suppose I can imagine how hard that must be for them to tell us. They want to get together soon.
I'm not ready for that. Your 1+ year old and your adorable growing belly. no thanks. I'm sure these are my feelings as a result of our most recent loss, and I'll be able to turn it around soon. I just hope my therapist can help us through it. I'm concerned I'm getting depressed. My therapist is anti-drugs. But I'm wondering if a little zo.loft is in order.
Ok, that's all for now. Be well.
